Failure

I struggle with this word. It’s so hard to drop the feeling of being stupid or feeling like a failure. For years I was told I was nothing, stupid and wasn’t worth anything. I mean the day I walked out for good, he told me he was going to enjoy watching me fail. Texts that I’ve seen that he’d  sent to people- ” she’s going to struggle, to bad for her”. How do you just let that go? How do you just forget it when it’s constantly ringing in my ears? At the same time it’s the exact thing that gives me the drive to become so independent, independent enough that I never have to look at him for anything ever again, not even child support. 

Every stumble I have seems to set me back, all I see is failure. I feel like it’s him standing over me saying yet again “you stupid fucking bitch. I’m going to watch you fail”. Hell its something my dad always said, “failure isn’t an option”. I so badly want to succeed. Maybe that’s why I’m such a perfectionist and people pleaser. I can’t handle to fail, I just want the approval so badly. That’s why I stayed. If I just fixed whatever he’d be happy, things would get better. I would be happy if he was. 

Now, I’m truly happy for once in my life but what I’m missing is that feeling of success. I want to just quit feeling like I’m in limbo. Like everything I want is in arms reach and I can’t reach. 

I know God has this plan for me, I feel it that fire that drives me everyday, but I still haven’t found exactly what that is. I see everything that I want, it’s all within arms reach but it’s like I can’t get there. 

Food

He very much manipulated and controlled my food and by now I was actually starting to see the emotional and psychological abuse. I just couldn’t admit it.

He didn’t want anything that we had in our home for supper, he wanted pizza. I initially told him that was fine as I wasn’t sure who he was getting it from. When he said where he was getting food from I asked for a salad instead. He was on me about my weight so, why not be healthy. He was pissed. This is one of the few arguments I recorded with my phone. He told me I was passive aggressive asking for a salad. I didnt see what the big deal was, he was going to have to wait for the pizza and the salad would take 1/2 the time of the pizza. He wasn’t having it, I was going to eat pizza. I’ve listened to this argument and it’s so stupid. To get angry over a person asking for a salad, and coming from a man who constantly stayed on me about my weight. He went around and around about how I was being passive aggressive. He kept telling me I needed to clarify what I wanted. He was surprised I asked for a salad, he thought I wanted a pizza. I was passive aggressive because I didn’t get his point, he asked for me to clarify-I should have said no honey I just want pizza.  To listen to how he talked to me and what he said now is humiliating, even worse was my reaction. I’d argue I wasn’t and then eventually end up in tears and agreeing. To think of how long I’d done this, it’s no wonder I second guess everything. I couldn’t make a decision on the food I ate. 

Help

There would be one time I’d call someone for help but it would do no good and he would twist it against me.

We had gotten into an argument I don’t even remember about what. He was screaming and starting his normal argument routine. I was stupid, pathetic, he had every right to leave, he was leaving.. ugh the list went on.  He hadn’t been drinking to my knowledge so it scared me how vicious he was. He kept putting his finger in my face and laughing when I jumped. I couldn’t take it so I called his friend. I told him we’d been arguing and I thought he needed to come over. He then asked to speak to my husband who told him I was out of line and everything was fine. 

He laughed at me, asked what I expected someone to believe me. I just cried. Then the door rang, it was his friend. He grabbed my arm and told me if I said 1 thing I wouldn’t be the only one to pay. I opened the door and didn’t say a word. He came down walked out and came back. I didn’t cover any of those bruises on my arm, but like he said no one cared or noticed. 

Loss of control

During this same time I made another mistake that ended poorly for me. One night I was hanging with a group of ladies and he and mr playboy showed. I remember drinking 2 glasses of wine and after that I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember talking to anyone, leaving, getting home-none of it. When I woke up the next morning I literally couldn’t remember a thing, I was still dressed but my left eye was swollen and blue. Naturally I asked him what happened. He said when he carried me in the house and laid me down I looked at him and said “**** please just hold me” meaning I asked for the man I loved. When I asked about my eye he said I hit it coming in the house, but he said he carried me? When I kept questioning him he changed the subject, telling me I had said the man I loveds name multiple times that evening. He spent the whole day berating me and I couldn’t remember a thing. I decided at that point it was time to stop drinking all together. 

Our fighting increased and as it did the more fear I had. I would get so upset I be physically sick and I’d often hide in the bathroom from him. A few nights I’d sleep in the locked bathroom on the cold floor, wishing God would just take me from this world. I just wanted out. I was tired I couldn’t do it anymore. 

I started hoarding money, meaning I’d ask him for cash for lunch or something and I wouldn’t eat and hide the cash so I could deposit it into my account when we returned without him knowing. I kept that cash on me, meaning I always had it with me or on me. It was the only way to keep him from finding it. He never did. 

Battled

I pretty much lived at home, the only time I left was to go to the gym when no one was around and if he wanted me somewhere. Or if I worked at the bar. When I did he stayed close and watched every move I’d make. 

College football is always a big thing for me. Saturday’s are for family and football and the day is planned around what the football schedule is. It was football time, he was an avid Florida fan-a team I really didn’t care for. A group of his friends were going to watch some of the games and I somehow got invited. For most of the time I was able to sit quietly and just enjoy something I loved doing. As the night continued I knew he was getting more and more intoxicated. He started getting on me about why I wasn’t sitting with him, I was sending a bad picture sitting alone. So I sat beside him, he said no not good enough, I needed to sit on his lap. I couldn’t help but cringe, I can only fake so much. I sat down in his lap and that wasn’t good enough either. He threw me in the floor and made a scene. “Get the fuck off me” I was mortified even worse, no one said a thing. 

Halloween was close and there was a huge party. I had helped plan it so I had to be there early. He made sure He came when I did to watch me. When the core group of his friends showed he was pissed, they all had coordinated their costumes and he wasn’t included. I already knew he was in a mood and he was in a downward drunk spiral so I was worried he’d cause a scene. I mentioned to his friend he was pissed and already drunk his comment was “he seems fine to me”.  I knew he was a ticking time bomb. He eventually would be drunk enough to pretty much forget me until he walked by, I was hanging with my girlfriends and he walked by he asked what I was doing and who I was hanging with, I answered my two friends and their husbands I asked what he was doing and he went off. He got offended I asked him what he was doing and started yelling. I tried to calm him and he stormed off.  I tried to talk to him but he told me I was a stupid bitch and to stay away from him. I decided to leave, I gave his keys to his friend and told him he was his problem. I walked out. I was waiting for a car and he found me-he asked where the fuck I thought was going, when I said home he said it was my own fault I was stupid and I’d regret it. 
I got home and just cried. I yet again found myself fighting myself as I wanted to text the man I loved. I couldn’t, I was scared to. What if he didn’t answer it would hurt so much more, what if he did and I got caught, that I was scared of. I laid there for what felt like an eternity. I’d fall asleep and wake up constantly. By 7am he showed up and passed out. When he did come around he just laughed and said I was stupid. 

Weeks would pass nothing would change, the fights would get petty and worse. He would do whatever he wanted. Including on the weekends. We rarely saw him. One weekend he and his friends were doing a drinking challenge. I had made plans with one of the other wives so I didn’t have to sit around the house. The kids and I packed up and headed over to her place and had to walk by them, I had barely had time to sit with kids before his drunk friend barged into the house. He got into my face as I just kept saying not in front of my children. Both myself and other wife asked him repeatedly to leave, as he told me what a piece of shit I was. I didn’t care about anyone but myself, I was a shitty friend, a horrible wife and even worse mother. The other wife eventually had to get her husband to him to leave. Mine would only show after the other was escorting his friend out and he was pissed at me. I looked at him and said how could you let that happen, I’m your wife, your children were here. He laughed and said I deserved it. When I asked why did you bring me back for this, he said he didn’t. Which was a lie. 

I packed my kids up and apologized in tears and walked home. Balling. When I got home, he’d beat me there. The baby gates that kept our children from climbing the stairs had been ripped from the walls both of them and he was upstairs. To say I was scared was an understatement I put my kids in their playroom and I sat in the floor crying I had just failed to protect my kids again.  With how drunk he was I didn’t know what to expect. I did text that mans wife and told the two of them to stay away from my kids and I. She didn’t know at that point what had happened but I didn’t care I wanted them away from my kids and me. 

He would come down and tell me it was my fault I should have just stayed home. He’d tell me I 100% deserved it-that I had I not done what I did then I wouldn’t have gotten that. He’d then disappear again. 

This was when I started to take photos but I was scared he’d find them- I texted them to my brother and gf. I was scared if he found them what he’d do but I was just fearful of him. 

Over and over

We boarded the plane back and I was physically sick. I knew going back was wrong, and it wouldn’t take him long to show me that that feeling was right. We had a layover in DC and the moment we landed he just started berating me. “You really think any man can treat you better than me? You really think you’re intelligent enough for a man to want to talk to that much? He only talked to you to get in your pants. whatever relationship you thought you had with that man was a joke. He used you and you made me look like a chump.” 

I knew I had a choice but I had no way to get home and no one to call. I was scared to do anything-I knew the man I loved was in DC but if I messaged him would he answer? If I messaged and he didn’t answer and I got caught I ran the risk of him getting hurt. My husband had repeatedly threatened to ruin this other mans career and life. I couldn’t have that, I couldn’t have his life ruined over me, I wasn’t worth it. 

I messaged my dad and said I made a mistake I think the kids and I need to come home, no response. I felt so trapped, abandoned and helpless. I had no one. 

When my dad did respond his response was cold-“this is your problem, you need to fix it. We love you” the text was much longer but that pretty much said it all. I sat on that plane and cried. We love you? You just fed your daughter to a wolf. 

I wanted to throw my phone out of the airplane. Anytime I even looked at it he asked to see it. He would spend hours looking at my phone. He went through every app, every contact. He even found my loves contact info and he deleted it, I didn’t even know until later. 

When we returned it didn’t take long for him to do his normal treatment except now it was 20 times worse. It was the most horrific life. He’d told everyone at post,  I was humiliated. If we went out no one would speak, if they did it was hello and bye. One night I lost it, I kept drinking until I just broke and started crying. If I wondered too far he would want to know who I was with and why. I had 2 girlfriends, both of whom asked if I was being abused-and I denied it. But they knew, they wouldn’t have asked. 

There was a new guy at post, one who was dubbed the playboy/party boy. No one cared for him except for my husband. There would be 3 or 4 times this man would corner me and make me feel so uncomfortable. My husband would then get pissed at me and I’d get into trouble for even speaking to him. He interrogated me over every conversation and word this other man said and then would check it with this guy to see if my story matched. I guess he thought he could catch me doing something else, but that wasn’t me. It wasn’t what the other was about. I genuinely fell in love with the other man for so many reasons and on so many levels. 

The sex was rape. I could not physically be with him, but he forced it every chance he got. He said it was part of his healing process “he needed to have me”. I’d cry every time, not after but during, not even a cry I was balling. One of these times I got so upset and I accidentally said the other mans name. That would end poorly for me. 

Two different times in particular I prayed to die it was so unbearable. One he’d come by the house to see where I was. I don’t even remember where our kids were, maybe a play date but it was just him and me. He wasn’t concerned with anything hurting me and if I voiced something, he just made sure to do it more. This time was no different. I literally felt numb and cried as my face was pushed deeper into the pillows. When he was done he was pissed, I was laying in a pool of my own blood. Not the kind of oops I have my monthly, it was a pool of blood. He got up, yelled at me to clean up and he got into the shower. I laid there crying. I needed to get out and I didn’t know how. I still don’t know what he did but my body couldn’t handle it.

I was still sleeping on the couch, and he came home drunk. I’d fallen asleep with the lamp still on and he realized I was laying there. I would end up in the floor with his hand around my neck. As he raped me he promised he’d ruin me, that no one would ever physically want me when he was done. Truth is I didn’t want to be me. 

Every argument would go into how I was stupid and ungrateful and how I was nothing without him. He’d eventually go into how he should have left me and he has every right to, he’d say he was leaving and give me the silent treatment. He then would reel me back into the argument by going after the man I loved and when he did, I’d end up thrown across the bedroom. The only thing that kept me from breaking the closet door, was his suit case and a mound of his clothes. The next day I was told it was my fault for provoking him. Everything was always my fault. 

Lost

I kept waiting for my phone to ring and my love to be on the other side but my husband promised it wouldn’t come, and it didn’t. The day I realized my love was gone I pretty much died. Anything left in my soul felt dead and I felt lost. My husband, he thought is was funny. I literally was a zombie, I had nothing. I pretty much handed everything to him.

He made this big to-do in front of my dad that he forgave me and pledged his love for me. He told me, in front of my dad, that I was going to have to do what he needed to help him heal. Help him heal? When I brought up his drinking an argument was started and my family defended him and told me I was lucky to have a loving husband to forgive me. I died with every word of support. He wasn’t even wearing his wedding ring, still. 

As I went to bed he came up and said he was sleeping with me. I almost couldn’t handle it. I felt so trapped. I basically became his property and I had no way out, he had manipulated my family and no matter how much I tired I couldn’t tell them what had been going on. I paced, I didn’t want to go to bed. I literally couldn’t take anything. He finally told me I had to come to bed. I sat in bed, waiting for my nightmare. That’s when he told me I needed to suck his dick to start. I couldn’t it wasn’t something I ever did with him, it wasn’t even something he liked. I refused which threw him into another tyraid. Yet again he told me how ungrateful I was. He kept saying things like what is that what you did with him? Then he stormed out went and got my dad and said he was leaving for good. Before he left he told me I was worthless and laughed that not even the man I loved wanted me and that he’d make sure he’d pay just like me. He and my dad loaded up his stuff and they left. 

I sat in my bathroom and cried. I didn’t know what to do. My stepmother sat there telling me how I needed to think about my family and how I had done wrong. I was scared what he was going to do. I picked up my phone and wanted to message the man I was in love with, but he hadn’t messaged called, nothing. Maybe my husband was right. was I unlovable? If this other man loved me back why did he run? Out of fear I called my dad and asked them to come back. Yet again I’d apologize and tell him I’d do anything and beg him to just not hurt anyone else. He raped me that night. As he held me down I cried and just prayed. I wanted it all to stop, I wanted God to protect the man I loved and for him to fix me, to make me whatever I needed to be.

I had given myself over on a silver platter to man who hated me. I pretty much became his slave. When he said jump I had to jump. If he wasn’t stalking me before he really was now. Every email, chat, conversation he oversaw. My gfs would message and if I said my day was ok he’d get mad and ask why I didn’t say it was good. I should have just said it was good.  If I got an email he wanted to know why even if it was an advertisement. Every inch of me was being watched. My weight, what I did, what I said.

He was messaging my friends at all hours of the day and night. “Why are you friends with her? Why are you supporting her” I in return got that my friends weren’t real friends if they didn’t support our marriage and us. He constantly tried to drive a wedge between myself and them. He and my dad both told me my friends were gossiping but in reality it was my husband. 

I even more felt worthless with every day. He still found anything to get mad at me about, I was constantly on eggshells. 

Then it came down to if I would return with him or stay in the states. It was a no win for me either way at this point. I stay and my family berates me, I go my husband abuses me. My friends were limited at home, he’d pretty much run them off, any friends I had overseas were gone. He finally decided we’d go back. I paced-I walked into my dads office trying to find the courage to speak and I couldn’t get it out. A few hours went by and I finally got the courage to say, dad things aren’t ok-my own dad looked me in the eye and said I don’t care about your excuses you need to fix this. Excuse? Nothing was an excuse, I needed him to listen and he’d been so manipulated he couldn’t even see. 

I don’t love you

Only one person knew what was going on behind closed doors, the person whom I slipped and told that one drunk night. I had confided in that person and continued too. Before long we talked more and more and about everything. 

The nights he came home drunk I found myself calling this other man in fear. I just kept thinking if I got home I could just leave. I just had to buy time. Before I knew it my confidant was set to leave and I felt this huge amount of fear hit me. A group had decided to go to one final trip when my confidant left-I asked to go and my husband agreed and purchased the ticket. No hesitation much to my surprise. 

I felt safe when I was with this other man, I felt cared for, I never had to worry about him betraying my trust, or hurting me. He held the deepest darkest secret, ones I hadn’t wanted anyone to know. When I left for the trip there wasn’t much of a good bye, my”husband” said he had everything I left for a weekend get away. Really what he meant was he had sitters for our children and he remained drunk the whole time I was gone.  

He would text me once while I was gone to pick an argument and once he’d gotten me upset I wouldn’t hear from him again. 

While I was gone I came to a realization I was falling hard for this other man and no matter how hard I tried, fought it I was. I feared going back to my husband. I didn’t want to leave. I can’t even begin to describe, it was like I escaped but had to knowingly return but this time return without this other man there-the one I knew if I needed him he wouldn’t hesitate. I didn’t think anyone could remotely love me, so I thought if I told him it wouldn’t be good, Id just be hurt more. That was until I went to leave. As I got ready to board my plane I kissed him goodbye and lost it. I told him I loved him, there was no doubt, no holding it back and I was going back to a man who didn’t love me, a man who found joy in watching me in pain. 

I returned to my living hell and knew it was time to leave, this life wasn’t ok. I wasn’t on the path God intended for me. The example I was giving my children wasn’t ok. I didn’t want my daughter to see what was being done and think it was ok, nor my son to think it was ok for him to treat his future spouse this way. I was on a path that wasn’t right and I just needed to correct it before it was too late. 

I remember him asking not long after I had returned if I still loved him, he knew me, he didn’t need me to answer. I told him no, I didnt anymore and that I wanted out. I don’t remember much from that night. I remember having that conversation, him leaving and him coming back but not much after. This would be one of a few nights that I’ve just blacked out. I don’t remember anything after a certain point.

He increased the stalking. He didn’t relent at all. Instead it increased. He was seeing everything I was doing-including who I was talking to. He knew I was talking to this other man and said nothing. I found it odd. What he was doing was waiting until the right moment, to absolutely go in the strip me of everything that ever meant anything to me. 

The closer we got to going home, the more unstable he was. The day we were to board a plane was no different and that’s when he would go in to kill every last bit of me. 

He found my last conversation with my confidant, the other man. The last thing I said to him was I love you, and he lost it. He was so offended I loved this other man. I remember him saying “him? Your fucking joking right? You think he’s better than me?you love HIM? I’ll show you” I knew his next move was to attack, this other man and me. Terror came over every inch of me and I was helpless. I couldn’t bare to have this innocent person become his target. Me, I didn’t know what was in store for me but I didn’t care I wanted to just protect my kids and the man I was in love with. 

At that point he began drinking and he reached out to everyone, friends and my family telling them I was having an affair.  I was doing everything to shield my kids from his venom, he was so drunk. I kept thinking please God just let him pass out. At one point he grabbed my arm and immediately said, “I’m going to fucking ruin you”. I knew he meant it. The 2 men behind me asked if everything was ok, to which he responded shes fine and told them to mind their business. 

I kept trying to message my love and I kept getting told if I did he would ruin him too. He used the love I had for this other man against me, he knew he could control me just by using fear. He KNEW I would do anything to protect this other man and he used it to control me. It was killing me, I needed the man I loved. I just wanted to get off that plane and run. I wanted this other man to be at the airport when we landed so badly. I wanted to be protected but there was no one there. No one. I was alone, dealing with an extremely drunk and abusive husband and trying to keep my kids from seeing any of it. 

When we arrived back home my family had already heard from him. I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t know what to say. I had hid everything from them and even with them right there so was he. I was too scared to tell them anything. He immediately disappeared with my dad and was gone for a good hour. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I didn’t know what to do.

He spent the rest of that night drinking. He went through a bottle and 1/2 of jack and about 3 boxes of cigarettes. He slept on the couch and when I got up I decided to try and talk to him. BIG MISTAKE. I sat there telling him this wasn’t going to work, and he told me I wasn’t listening. He pretty much said if I left he was going to make sure not only I hurt but the man I loved was going to hurt. I begged him to just leave him alone and he told me there was only one thing to do, what he said. I asked why and that’s when he flipped, I was sitting on the side of the couch and he punched me in the ribs which obviously spent me off the couch-natural reaction my right hand hit him and he went ballistic, yelling about I hit him causing a scene. No one believed me. He would disappear later that day without me knowing where as my family told me what a disappointment I was. I just kept saying you don’t understand, you know me. 

He and I barely spoke but the one thing he reminded me was that the man I loved, was gone and would never come for me. I know soon what he meant and I’d be completely broken. 

Cheated and broken

He had work trip planned and was going to leave for a month. I don’t know why but I ask him not to go, I guess to me him walking out this time was it for me, the end. I know I didn’t feel safe at all. It also didn’t help that as he was leaving he was leaving his wedding ring behind. He literally took it off and said he didn’t want to take it or wear it-literally as he was leaving.

The weeks leading up to it I’d hear him discuss what all he had planned and who he’d planned to go out with, dinners he had planned. Meanwhile he wouldn’t even go on a date with me and hadn’t for years. He didn’t even have to take me out, he said he didn’t have to anymore. I won’t even mention the money side. 

He left and it was the same thing, he was just too busy for us. I was hanging out with friends and started drinking myself. Each night I’d catch myself getting emotional and almost telling the secret that things weren’t ok to say the least. I’d catch myself and move on every night but one-when I slipped. I didnt even remember, breaking down in tears and saying he threw things, but I did. I told someone. Meanwhile, he was taking other women out and friends wives. I guess to him it was ok, but it wasn’t with me. I knew though, I can’t even tell how but I knew there was someone else, I knew one of those women was her. I’d see later what money he was spending and what she got that month. 

I tried to video chat with him one night. He answered oddly and yelled at me for calling . He wouldn’t turn the lights on but I kept hearing movement. He said he had unplugged the lamp to plug in his phone. And he wasn’t getting up, I was “lucky” he answered. He was staying at a Hilton, and when was the last time any of us had to unplug a lamp to charge our phones. Most of the time there is a plug to charge your phone in the lamp or stand. 

When he returned I was sleeping on the couch full time and not in our bed. If I hid on the couch and he was too drunk I’d be ok and be left alone.  He wasn’t wearing his wedding ring and often if we went out it was to the same place-it was getting pretty common he was leaving me places so it wasn’t like we were together. I do remember a few nights driving home because he was so out of it he was so drunk. Those few nights he broke down in tears. I asked him time and time again and he wouldn’t tell me why he got so emotionally drunk. A few times he laughed and said he didn’t get emotional and I was making it up. I personally think the guilt was eating at him cheating and all the hurt but this would also require him to have a heart and soul and to be honest I don’t know that he has one. I did ask if he was cheating to which he denied and told me I was crazy and stupid. 

He also started to invade my privacy more and more, I literally had none. He was hacking my email, he would wait outside the bathroom for me to come out, he had to have my itinerary for the day I couldn’t talk to anyone without him knowing why.  I kept asking him why and he just said why not. He said it was his house and he had every right to know what was going on. He eventually asked for access to my bank account which I refused. I did allow him to see it but would not give him access. When he saw what I had money wise in my account he demanded I transfer it to the joint account. I refused and I paid for it dearly. 

I was really starting to break. It was all just too much. I was withdrawing more from family and friends and things with him and I were getting so unstable.  He started to critique my conversations with people and asking why I was saying certain things to family. So I started to stop talking to family. 

He was really hounding me about my weight. So I started working out twice a day and pretty much stopped eating. If I did eat it was a small snack and water and I kept going. He never noticed but he did humiliate me in front of people. We were eating, well he was, and he commented on how I’d lost so much weight in those weeks, he said he was proud I wasn’t like the other 2 kid moms and pointed a few of them out. He did this in front of 2 friends one of whom knew I had stopped eating and knew things weren’t ok. 

Ending

I returned back with him but in my heart I knew our marriage was over. I knew deep down that he was never going to change. He’d always been a party boy, not our kids or me was going to change that. 

He had planned this catered dinner for “me” and my return. He invited all his friends and toasted my return and the birth of our daughter. Now, it would have been amazing had there been actual feelings and love behind it, but there wasn’t. He barely spoke to me and didn’t even sit with me. 

It wasn’t long before he went back into his routine and we barely saw him. When we did see him his nose was in his computer, he was hungover or he was drunk. He invited people over for dinner and I was pretty much his slave. I had to watch the kids, set up the table, cook, make myself presentable oh and entertain and put the kids to bed. I was doing all this while he was having a drink and surfing the internet for God knows what. I remember one night he came home, had invited someone to dinner and he wasn’t happy with the way I looked, nor with my selection of food. I was furious and I refused to do anymore. I wasn’t appreciated. Nothing was good enough. He absolutely berated me, I was lazy, pathetic and stupid. Stupid was always one of his go-tos he knew that one really bothered me. He told me I was just trying to ruin him and make him look bad. I eventually put a smile on and played the happy wife for dinner but then excused myself and went to bed. He stayed up for hours drinking and I eventually fell asleep until he came to bed. 

I dreaded when he came home and got into bed. He demanded sex, often demanding me to shower before and after, but after him. It didn’t matter how late/early it was. The sex was getting completely unbearable and humiliating . It wasn’t just physically painful but the emotional toll it was taking was killing me. 

One night he came home and I was already asleep. He got into bed and tried to wake me up, I was doing everything to ignore him, I just wanted to sleep. I ended up being kicked and shoved out of the bed onto the floor. I was laughed at and mocked, asked how it felt to be nothing and on the floor. I was suppose to feel proud to be with him and give him what he needed. I told him no and he screamed at me to get out.  That was my first night sleeping on the couch. 

The next day he got up, went to work and didn’t speak. When he came home and I tried to talk to him about his drinking. I thought maybe he just doesn’t remember or know it’s an issue. He saw no issue, it was all made up in my head and I was the one with the problem. His friends didn’t have a problem, his friends wives didn’t have an issue therefore I was the one with problem. 

I started to find outlets to get out I couldn’t stand being at home. Things were getting more physical, I always seemed to have some sort of bruise somewhere to hide or have a story prepared-fell at the gym, ran into a chair or wall. He liked to grab and yell, push outta the way and throw. The house was becoming like a prison and my personal hell. When I did start getting out of the house was when I was getting in invited out and was going whether or not he was there.